So I am one of those people that don’t mind talking about sex and sex acts and sexual preferences in public even if its sorta nasty because of Tumblr and fanfiction. Like, I’ve made myself aware of all sides of sex even if I am a virgin. I’m cool with that. But, I don’t wanna share my thoughts or anything in public because it would make me seem like a slut.
Like, the other day at lunch my friends were talking about sucking a guys dick after you’ve just had sex and I wanted to say that was okay to do but everyone else was like “no that’s digesting your own cum like thats weird”.
Is it weird that I don’t think its weird?
I DON’T KNOW WHATS WEIRD AND NOT WEIRD ANYMORE BECAUSE OF TUMBLR.
And oh how I want to be like “GAY BUTT SEX IS THE BEST SEX BUT NOBODY DO SEX LIKE THE GAYS” really loudly, but I live in a very religious area and like that would get me suspended. Not even joking.
I like Anna, but I don’t like being questioned and frowned upon for thinking everyone should have the same rights, or that licking up your own cum is gross because its life and people don’t get sick from it and if your having sex your probably in the moment and you won’t care and like I just want to punch everyone of their closed minded heads. That’s very closed minded of me.
There was one thing that pissed me off today. Just one. And it was this:
“His abs are a little saggy, though.”
This was said by a friend about RDJ.
Let me slap someone, please.
Who cares if he isn’t built like Hemsworth or Evans? I sure as hell don’t! He is amazing looking, has close to perfect acting skills, has been around for years and is still at the top of the business and is only going to get bigger, everyone seems to forget his has a wife and children, and Tony Stark isn’t supposed to be perfectly buff anyways. The fact that this quote is about his appearance rather than his personality kills me the most, though. Yes, looks are what get you interesting in a person to begin with, but, Robert Downey Junior is more than his looks. Any person is more than than their looks. And RDJ is a fucking beautiful person who can sing, act, probably dance if you asked, and much more. Not everyone is going to have abs and arms that could crush your head open. Over 90% of the time, highly visible abs and arms like that are not cute/sexy at all.
And I understand perfectly that not everyone is going to like the same person I like; that they might not enjoy looking at someone’s face as much as I do or the same things. But, justifying your hate or dislike for someone by the means of their looks isn’t an excuse that will work with me. It needs to be something deeper than that.
I just have a lot of feelings right now. I am sorry.
So… my mom had surgery yesterday. She is doing fine but I have yet to see her. She didn’t want my brother and I there yesterday and we had planned to go tonight but my dad got off late, my mom thought my dad was drinking and didn’t was us in the car with him, and when we got out dinner it was quite late. We are seeing her tomorrow morning so it should be a problem.
With my mom down for a month after this surgery, I have been put in charge of the household cleaning and shit. I have no problem helping out and everything, but I refuse to be seen as a maid, or a person who just has all the free time in the world. My brother is 10 and should know how to get something to eat by now. My dad is 40, I am plenty sure he knows how to do his own laundry.
I haven’t talked to anyone but Jiou-Jiou and the people at school for about a month now. I have only been in school two weeks this month. And I don’t talk to people outside of school, and the only texts I ever get is from Twitter. I don’t mind having no social life, but it bugs the crap out of me that people don’t think of me as much as I think of them. Like no one cares that I spend all my time by myself in my room.
Now, I was in a play, that wasn’t as good as I had wanted it to be. But, I had asked almost everybody from my middle school if they would go and support me. I asked my three or four best friends that went to different school if they would go and none of them went. The only people that went were from school and my family, which I am forever grateful for. But, the minute someone asks me to go see the musical they are in I ask my parents, try to find rides, work everything out and get there. Is no one there for me, but expects me to be there for them? I can’t even get half these people to drive 30 minutes to spend a day with me. I have to do every freaking thing.
I am tired of my parents not telling me stuff. I had a right to know that my aunt was battling cancer for three or four years, but I didn’t know exactly what she had until about a month before she died. A month. I knew she was sick and getting help, but I didn’t know it was cancer. Like.. that isn’t right. I had every right to know exactly what was happening. And now, my cousin, my beautiful cousin, had a stroke last night and my mom and aunt found out this morning but they didn’t think to tell me. My mom told me dad not to tell Austin and I. It could have been weeks before they told me my cousin is paralyzed on one side if my dad didn’t go on a rant about how we don’t want to be with him and how he works all the time. Why the hell would you keep something like that from me? Perhaps you would have told me when it happened again but she didn’t make it? I am so tired of not being told things by people because I am “too young” or it “doesn’t concern me.” If it is about someone I love and care about it fully concerns me. I have every right to now the minute my mother knows.
On top of that, I am completely stressed about school. All this stress and all this worry is making me sleep less and break out with zits and stress sores on my lips (it isn’t like I have anything to do anything with for them to be different). I have three. They won’t go away and they keep popping up. I feel so ugly and slutty with them even though I know I am not a slut. I try to hide it during school but when I see someone look at me I always get teary eyed thinking they are thinking bad things bad about me. I don’t know. I just freak out.
I am just tired. Tired and stressed and tired of being stressed and stressed about being tired. I just want to go away for a while. A long while. Maybe never come back. I just need sleep… a hibernation like sleep. That would be lovely.
Today, I realized my goals are perfectly set up for success. I have good goals for the next two years, and one of them is finishing high school in those two years. I am only a sophomore by grade, but I know I can do it.
Anyways, today was an excellent day. I took two tests, helped my friend pass a test of her own, went to the library, and finished a booklet of English. I have to read a book for English, but I love to read so that should not take very long.
World History, Chemistry, and Algebra II are not coming along as far as English and Creative Writing are, but I still have hope that I will finish those quickly. I love history, and it seems easy enough. Chemistry can go die though. Or at least the math in it can. I love math and all, but I don’t want that and science to mix. Algebra is a good subject for me, it just takes too long.
The book I am going to read for English is “A Tale of Two Cities” because it was the one that sounded most appealing on the list to read. All I have to do is read it and write a summary over it, which sounds completely easy enough. I shall finish that by the weekend and have the whole unit done by Monday.
Overall, my day was lovely and amazing. I only wish I had someone to share it with, because all my friends live miles away, I have no boyfriend, and I am very sheltered. But, that is a whole other post that I do not wish to type out right now.
Now, I am off to straighten my hair, clean up my room a bit, pick out tomorrow’s clothes, and get my backpack ready for school. The rest of the week, I shall marvelous because I know it will boost my self esteem and make me happier! Good night loves!
So…. this dance company/studio called me because I had sent in my information. Well, I want to go there, but now that I have that information and the times, there is no time for me to do anything else with my level of dance, and my age. Depending on the class they place me I would be there for two hours a night two nights a week. I don’t have time for that. And I went to my old dance studio and I realized that is like my home and I want to go there. I am bigger than most dancers, and I know they won’t look at me weird. They are my family. I don’t know what to do. So, I am gonna go work out.
Throughout my life, my beliefs have been tested and tried. I have grown up a Christian and I will always have most of those values. But, as I grow older and learn and listen to wait these people say, I realize I have my own views, not just those of God. First one, if pisses me the fuck off how someone can say that they are Christian (completely and whole) and yet do something that they have been taught against. Second, if there was a God, why did he create gays and then make his people against them? Third, just because most people in the world practice Christianity, doesn’t mean that it is the best and most grand God in all the world. Forth, faith is finding peace in life. I don’t find peace in believing full heartily in a man, but in the things I love to do. So, while I am a Christian, and I do have those beliefs in me, I don’t think that people should push others to believe if they don’t, and to use their beliefs against others and what they want to do. It is selfish, and something that God would not approve of.
I feel like a lost child, or an abused child who never gets what they want. I’m a good kid, I don’t do drugs, I don’t party, I don’t have sex, I get good grades, I’m a wonderful sister when I want to be, I don’t even have many friends to do anything with. But when I ask for something nice, like a new laptop that we don’t even have to pay out right for, it always a no or a maybe. MY parents don’t even care that I don’t get anything nice. I wanted an Ipod for Christmas one year and I got a $15 mp3 player. I don’t get ANYTHING at all. They always say they will get me something, but will forget about it two months later. But, when I pester them about it, they get mad. I am tired of it! I’m the stepchild they didn’t want.
So, I have this friend who has been my best friend for almost three years now. But, he doesn’t talk to people much, we don’t live close to each other, we don’t talk, it is always rushed conversations, he seems more interested in his girlfriend more than anyone else. And I can understand that too an extend. But, I have known him longer and…I’m tired of fighting for his attention. That is what it seems like I am doing. I mean, I love him, he is like my brother. But, I don’t like feeling like that toy that you always used to play with, but when you get a new one you leave it alone until you feel rather bored with only playing with one so you move back the old one for away, knowing you will leave it again. I am not an old toy, I am a collectors item that should be cherished and loved…But I’m not. I’m the old toy who gets thrown in the toy box until you come across it one day cleaning up. It’s nice to know I’m not wanted by people.
